When I realized *I was* the a-hole...🫣

A confrontational situation might be a leadership opportunity in disguise.

I was sorting through my old google drive the other day. There wasn’t much there, just a few old documents. Suddenly, I found a screencap of a conversation with a co-worker from over 10 years ago. (I could tell by the old-skool Apple chat bubbles.)

Uh oh. I know me, and when I take a screencap, I’m doing it in a huff - as proof of someone else’s despicable behavior.

Except…that wasn’t what this screenshot showed.

As I read through it, I discovered, to my horror: I WAS THE ASSHOLE in this conversation.

Want to know what it was about?

I’d gotten a design change request from a client. I’d done it. I’d handed the file to the developer to implement. He’d replied that he didn’t like the look of the new element. That it seemed kind of plain, like it hadn’t really been designed.

I looked at the image I’d sent in the chat years ago. This guy was absolutely 100% right. It WAS plain. Who cares that it was what the client asked for - I still could have tried something else.

But back then, as a 20-something underpaid art director with a chip on her shoulder, all I could hear was yet another person questioning my skills and decisions—another person telling me they knew better than me. And I got PISSED. I decided “design feedback” wasn’t his job, and he needed to stay in his lane.

So I shut him down. Hard. And he instantly backed off - without even calling me out on what a huge b*tch I was being.

Looking at the exchange now, with some distance and a lot more experience, I see things differently. I don’t think he was trying to undermine me. I think he just…cared. He wanted the end product to be better, and he wanted a voice in shaping it. He wasn’t trying to take over: he was trying to take ownership.

I could have welcomed his input. I could’ve helped him feel empowered in the process, and still made the final call if I disagreed. I could have even turned him into my advocate. Instead, I sent the message that challenging me would get you shut down.

Ugh. Double ugh. Triple ugh. I really wanted to delete the screenshot and pretend like it never happened, y’all. 😫

But then I thought: no, I need to talk about this. Because being in charge requires a fundamental shift from “me-as-a-contributor” to “me-as-a-team-lead” - and it can be a pretty bumpy ride while you adjust to the idea that your ego doesn’t have any place in that equation.

Rude truth: many so-called managers never make this shift. We all know those people.

Yes, leadership means setting clear boundaries. Yes, it’s exhausting to have your judgment constantly questioned. But that comes with the job. And the way you handle it is how you show your readiness to lead.

The goal isn’t to “defend your turf” or to “keep people in their lane”. The goal is to recognize when someone’s speaking up because they care. And when they do, your job is to make room for them to have some ownership. That doesn’t mean abandoning all discipline; it just means being open to seeing a differing point of view as sign of engagement rather than a form of disrespect.

Great leadership doesn’t mean being the loudest, bossiest voice in the room.

It means knowing when to listen - even when it stings.

XOXO,

Cathy

P.S. Note: The elephant in the room is that people ARE going to design-splain your specialty to you, and if you happen to be female or have any kind of marginalized status, it’s going to happen A LOT more - and in a more overt and unacceptable way. I’d never want to gloss over that. However, when you’re able to remain calm and focused on the work, it robs the person of the reaction they wanted to get out of you.