The “SO WHAT?” Method
I’ve had to learn to say, “So What?” whenever my brain offered me an unhelpful justification for why I shouldn’t try for something I wanted.
When you’re a creative for hire, you spend a lot of time serving others. Intuiting their needs. Digesting their brand, learning it inside out, even learning to love it. This isn’t bad; this is how we earn a living as creatives, generally speaking - we make things for others.
This can level up when you’re also a caretaker. Maybe you’re caring for a relative, an elderly pet, and/or running around after your kids. That means you when you get done with your workday of serving others, you’ve got a whole NEW set of people to serve. It quickly depletes you of any energy you had left.
It’s so easy to get into a pattern where you live your life mostly in the service of OTHER PEOPLE’S ideas and goals. And that…is where the burnout happens.
Burnout isn’t just exhaustion. It’s the condition of being TRAPPED in a cycle that is endlessly depleting you and making you feel powerless.
The way out of this — and the way to prevent it?
Do at least one thing, every day, that’s just about YOU and YOUR goals. (And say NO to at least one thing that’s not in service of that.) Treat yourself just as great as you’d treat a client.
Now that’s the tricky bit. Because most people nod enthusiastically to this part and then they go and immediately sign up for like, an ultramarathon or something — even though they kinda hate running — because they think that they aren’t allowed to go for their dream job unless they “get hot” first. And they continue to be a full-service robot for everyone in the mean time, thinking they can “do it all”.
Two points I want to make about this:
Doing something you hate because of something you perceive to be a societal expectation is not self care. That’s you inventing a new stick to beat yourself up with (no matter how “good for you” it looks on paper). F*ck that noise.
You absolutely CANNOT do it all. Time is precious. You can do a few, very focused things. Prioritizing everyone else’s needs and expectations leaves no room or energy for yours. You HAVE to learn to say NO.
Instead of leaping straight into action, stop. Really think about what it is you want. Because when we do that…we suddenly realize (usually with a gulp) what it is we need to do. The powerful thing that would actually change our life.
Want to work on that mega-cool project at work? Ask.
Want to get a promotion? Schedule a meeting with your supervisor and find out what the next steps are.
Want to work fewer hours? Be unavailable for non-priority requests that fall outside of work hours. Don’t apologize. Don’t over-explain. Just don’t do it.
Want to be a book author? Open a doc and start writing. Publish it on the Kindle app. Poof, you’re an author.
Want your partner to start doing the laundry because you feel like you’re drowning in housework? Ask them. Lay out your concerns plainly.
See what I mean? Usually, there’s an IMMEDIATE practical next step that will get you out of the “trapped” cycle and onto some kind of path. It’s just that we’ll usually do ANYthing to avoid that. The fear of failing or of being judged by others is so palpable.
I’ve wasted SO MUCH time worrying about both of those things. I wish I could rewind time and shake myself by the shoulders.
Since I’m not a time traveler, I want to offer you the next best thing: the “So What?” method.
I’ve had to learn to say, “So What?” whenever my brain offered me an unhelpful justification for why I shouldn’t try for something I wanted.
“My friends or my boss will see me as a try-hard”. So What?
“People will think I’m not hot/rich/cool/confident enough to be an Art Director.” So What?
“My boss will get mad or say no.” So What?
“People will resent me for not being available.” So What?
“Something bad will happen if I step away.” So What?
“People will think what I’m doing is stupid.” So What?
“No one will read my book.” So What?
“My partner will be upset at being called out.” So What?
Asking yourself “So What?” is a subtle way of challenging your brain’s insistence that only certain doom will come of your desire to better your circumstances.
Sometimes, you realize that the thing you were afraid of actually isn’t that big of a deal.
And sometimes you realize that even a negative outcome might be a good thing. For instance if you ask for a promotion and your boss gets mad and says no, you’ve now got a LOT of valuable intel about the likelihood of future growth in your job. That’s excellent; knowledge is power.
Of course, there’re plenty of things that will make you justifiably nervous as hell every single time you do them, but you’ll do them anyways — because the reward is worth the risk.
The mistake we all make is thinking that there’s a version of life that doesn’t involve upsetting people or having to ask for what we want. I guarantee that at this moment, you’re upsetting at least one person just by breathing.
So What? That doesn’t need to mean that you don’t take care of you.
XOXO,
Cathy