One of the things nobody tells you about life is that you’re going to be surrounded by all kinds of people who believe that the world should function according to all different kinds of rules.
Sometimes you, just going about your day, will seem to fly in the face of what someone thinks the rules are…and it will make them angry with you.
Because to admit that the world might not work the way they thought might feel like it negates or invalidates their life.
It is easier for the person to believe that you have broken a rule. That you have “cheated.” And that you need to be punished accordingly.
For example, if an old school friend was taught that pursuing a creative career is pointless, frivolous and leads to a life of desperation and destitution — but right in front of their eyes you’re living in one of the most expensive cities in the world and are holding your own as a creative. It might be easier for them to be angry with you…than to deal with their own suspended dreams of being a successful artist.
Or if a person assumes that a woman or fat person or a queer person or a person of color isn’t inherently as qualified as they are, and you’re out there as an executive running a large team or a company, they might walk into every conversation they have with you looking for ways you’re “screwing it up” or cheating somehow.
Because, let's say...they spent the past 15 years only eating 300 calories between the hours of 1:30-2am and you should have had to do the same thing to get to YOUR level.
You probably know what I mean...that one person who hops on the call and suddenly as far as anything with you is concerned, it’s a court and you’re on trial…presumed incompetent until proven otherwise.
Of course, you’ll have no way of verifying the person dislikes you for a personal, rather than a professional, reason. It’s usually just a weird feeling. A sense of things not adding up.
You want to know the absolute worst news?
ALL OF US have bullshit rules like these, living inside our brains, and most of the time we’re not even aware of them.
Want to know a bullshit rule I believed? Early on in my journey, I believed that only a few women would ever be able to succeed in my field, and that in order for those very select few to succeed, we need to fly under the radar, not talk about feminism, not attract too much attention, act like like we were “one of the boys.”
Then I was in a meeting one day and a boss said she wanted the team to interview additional candidates for a role because she wanted to make sure we were supporting having a diverse pool of candidates — and diversity in the industry in general.
She just said that casually. Out loud. Like she didn’t know about “the rules”. Like they were not a thing.
I felt my eyes and throat start to contract, and I had to use all of my concentration not to start to weep on the spot.
I had never, ever, seen someone with actual power so openly act to support women and marginalized people. It shocked me. It moved me. I didn’t realize how much I had been hiding and clenching.
For what purpose? I can’t change who I fundamentally am.
And who I am is eventually going to be making someone angry.
And I realized that strategy, technique, skills - all critical to success - but none of that guarantees that people will like you and things will go smoothly.
People are going to HATE you sometimes...and sometimes for absolute bullshit reasons. Uncomfortable fact of life.
If I have to be hated sometimes...I'd rather be relaxed, energized, and hated - than clenched and uncomfortable and hated.
I figure at least then I'll be in good frame of mind to tackle the situation.
Question your "rules".
Who is benefitted by your belief in them?
XOXO,
Cathy