🌩️ The dark side of empathy

Empathy is one of those much-hyped words these days.

A good manager has it, a bad manager doesn’t.

Actually, I’d enthusiastically agree with that statement.

But, in practice, well…shit is going to get UGLY.
Sorry in advance.

When I say empathy has a “dark side”, what I mean is that sooner or later, someone you’re managing is going to be super angry about the fact that you’re empathizing with someone they’ve determined is “the wrong sort of person.”

I’ll say that one more time in a different way: People who are used to a certain amount of privilege are going to tear you a new one when they see you attempting to sprinkle some of the privilege in another direction.

How do you maintain your empathy for everyone on your team in this situation?

For example, will you stand behind hiring that person with a different kind of background?

Will you defend the person whose neurodivergent trait is annoying their coworkers?

Will you stand behind the person who’s been “off” this quarter because their dad died? And how do you determine what amount of “off-ness” is acceptable?

Furthermore, how do you maintain your empathy for the people who rendered judgment on their coworkers that you don’t agree with?

Yeah…that’s what I mean. That’s the big “oooff” of managing with empathy that no one really talks about.

Saying that you’re going to treat everyone with empathy and actually doing it are two incredibly different things.

The first is highly lauded and the second is usually met with disdain.

Because people have very clear definitions of who “deserves” empathy…and who doesn’t.

Even you and me – we do, too.

Sometimes people confuse empathy with lenience as well.

There’s such a thing as empathetically enacting consequences. Firing a person who’s really not working out, for example, can be an empathetic action. Because ignoring a persistent problem is not to help them improve. Because NOT firing a person who’s not working out is often the thing that’s more damaging to morale.

Just like there’s such a thing as empathetically making sure someone’s able to take their bereavement leave…that is, you give the person their space whilst organizing proper coverage for the outage. You do your best to create a reality where a person having a life event that pulls them away is something that is easily dealt with, so that people feel safe having lives outside of work.

Frankly…sometimes there’s no “right answer”. Some shit is out of your control.

There are many situations where any choice you make will end up upsetting someone, and with good reason. Where as you pick your battle…you may question if you’ve done the right thing.

That questioning itself is a good sign. Being perfect is impossible.

I’m not sure who this letter is for today, but I felt a strong urge to write it, so I trust it will land with the person who needs to hear it most.

No matter what you’ve felt, it’s not a waste to try to be an empathetic leader.

It’s not a waste to strive for something better.

XOXO,
Cathy

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