The big lesson I learned from parenting a special needs kid.
What do you do when "meeting expectations" will never be an option?
Do you know that feeling when something rocks your world, and nothing is ever the same?
When you’re suddenly forced to prioritize, in one split second, the thing you are going to carry through this moment?
I bet you do.
The events that trigger these realizations are often painful.
One that comes to mind for me right away? My younger son’s kindergarten interview.
He is autistic and has severe ADHD. Changes to his routine are extremely traumatic and triggering for him, even when they’re small changes. Going from Pre-K to elementary school? That was a REALLY BIG CHANGE.
So when it was our turn to have the interview, he had a full-blown autistic panic attack.
That is, he went fully nonverbal and lay down on the cold floor tiles by the door, his eyes filling up with tears.
I tried to get through the interview at first. I sat with my spouse and the teachers and tried to convince him to come over and answer their questions. It didn’t go well at all. There was no way I could force him to “be normal” and just get through it. I was sweating.
And then something snapped.
I…
…I just surrendered.
I stopped talking in mid-sentence, and walked away from the teachers.
I went over to him, sat on the floor, took off my cardigan and wrapped it around him, and gently rocked back and forth with him because I knew he just needed me to be with him without any expectations of how he’d need to behave.
In that moment, I decided to let it all burn.
The kindergarten interview and the questions…
My hopes for him to be able to adapt…
My fears of what it would mean for our lives if he was rejected from this place…
Other people’s opinions of my parenting style…
My desire to be “unburdened” or to have a “normal” life.
In that moment, my heart said… “I will follow you and hold you and accept you in all the places that no one holds you or accepts you, no matter what it costs me.”
It felt like time slowed down. I was eerily calm.
The teachers didn’t love all this, obviously. They tried to tell us he’d be better off in a special place for autistic kids.
…But you know what?
In the end, he’s adapted to elementary school far better than anyone expected.
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Why did I tell you this?
Let me ask a different question in response.
What if the ingredient that’s missing in whatever struggle you’re having right now ISN’T more effort…but SURRENDER, instead?
What would it feel like if you told YOURSELF “I will follow you and hold you and accept you in all the places that no one holds you or accepts you” — every time you were afraid?
What possibilities might open up if you were willing to “let it burn” in regard to all the fears holding you back?
It doesn’t need to feel like a fight.
It can feel like an unburdening of the things you were holding onto because someone said you needed them…in favor of pursuing the thing that you really want. A great relief.
Maybe it looks like you asking your boss for a raise and being willing to “let it burn” in regard to your worries that it’s a bad time or that you’ll appear ungrateful.
Maybe it looks like you creating a goal of working remotely from Hawaii and surfing in the afternoons, even though that sounds totally implausible right at this moment.
It could be any number of things…I don’t know what it’s like for you; I only know me.
The biggest lesson I learned from parenting a special needs kid is that “meeting expectations” isn’t a thing - whatever your level of able-ness is. It is completely impossible to comply with all of the demands & expectations of society. You only have time and space to follow what’s actually important. Let all that other shit burn.
And every time I’ve been willing to “let it burn” — has been when I’ve leveled up.
XOXO,
Cathy