The A**hat Rule
“Once you wanted revolution. Now YOU’RE the institution. How’s it feel to be ‘The Man’”? —Ben Folds
Ben Folds summarized a terribly uncomfortable truth in his 2001 hit single “The Ascent of Stan.” He described how a young man, full of '“hippie ideals”, grows up and gets a job and becomes successful…only to realize that he’s now become a soulless corporate schill — “The Man” that he was so vehemently against in his youth. “It’s no fun to be The Man,” Folds concludes somberly.
There's an uncomfortable mindset switch that everyone goes through on their journey from IC to middle manager to team lead, and so on.
And that is this: you go from assuming everyone in charge is a stupid asshat — to BEING in charge yourSELF.
How do you reconcile this switch? Do you become resigned to the idea that you, too are now an asshat — and must behave as such? Or do you start to believe that you are the ONE “good” exception to the asshat rule?
Most folks tend to remain focused internally rather than preparing themselves for this mental shift with intentionality.
They might keep thinking of themselves as a victim of their circumstances rather than accepting that they’re now the one who creates the circumstances.
Ex: when you're the intern you think your BOSS is the problem. When you're the intern manager, you think the INTERNS are the problem. Everything is happening TO you.
I've also seen folks who refuse to acknowledge that their level of privilege has substantially changed. They still believe that the things THEY care about are in "everyone's best interest" — even though they're coming at a particular problem or issue with a different salary, title, and set of perks. They don't want people to think they're jerks, so they continue to relate to others as if they were on a level playing field, even though they aren't.
Ex: You shrug off the new rule that employees can't receive personal mail at work, not caring that much because you have a doorman or a stay-at-home spouse. You don't realize that most employees are living in housing that won't allow them to receive packages when they aren't home.
I have a wild idea for you:
What if there ISN'T an asshat rule?
That is, what if being in charge doesn't inherently mean someone is a stupid jerk — AND, what if being a "worker bee" doesn't mean that someone is a saint?
What if you can keep your ideals intact even what you are a boss? What if people who are jerks are jerks regardless of what their title or salary is?
Can you widen your viewpoint to accept that some of your preconceived notions about how people in leadership act or behave might have been wrong? Can you empathize with your boss’ struggles? Can you understand what might logically be going through the minds of CEOs and EVPs and SVPs as they make policy changes? Can you appreciate the lose-lose decisions they may be faced with, even if you disagree with their approach, or think they’ve made bad judgement calls?
This might feel uncomfortable to do, but it’s actually vital to adapt a more realistic standpoint of what it means to be "in charge" if you want to evolve.
You become what you can embody - and if you’re used to thinking of all leadership as being evil, you’re either going to resist your own growth — or double-down on whatever schmuckiness-signaling you think is a requirement for the role. Or maybe even quit altogether.
Please don't do any of those things.
Now more than ever, it's important that people with those "hippie ideals" grow into leadership roles, and hold them with integrity.
It IS possible, and you don't have to do it perfectly to make a difference in the world.
We can author the cultural shift we've been praying for.
I've gone on quite long enough, so I'm out for now. Have a good week.
XOXO,
Cathy