So, it was International Women’s Day a few days ago.
Though my inbox was full of messages talking about women or trying to empower women in all sorts of ways, I did not feel I could participate. Sometimes being reminded about all the ways it can be hard to be in the world as a female is not a thing that I’m ready to sit with.
I’m also always a bit reluctant to speak to a specific gender…we’re all doing the best we can to adapt to the messed up messages we’ve been fed by society all our lives. That programming about what you’re supposed to like or not like, do or not do based on your body parts starts at an alarmingly young age. I am watching it happen with my two little boys in real time. I have an incredible amount of compassion for anyone navigating a gendered experience in the world…which of course, is everyone.
But….it does occur to me that regarding womanhood and being a creative professional…I have things to say, and people who identify as women might need to hear those things, and it might be really important to share them.
So vulnerably, I will say this:
It can feel so impossible to make a choice about having a family as a woman. No matter what you decide…society is waiting on the other end with judgement that has serious consequences for your life.
If you make the choice to have one, you’re immediately gripped in a set of incredibly unequal, vice-like responsibilities that squeeze the f*cking life out of you, while others throw rocks at you for complaining because either “a good woman is meant to like this” or “you CHOSE this, it’s YOUR fault.” All you can do is sputter in response, as your energy and power flows out of you.
While if you decide not to do the whole “family thing”…you’re gripped with having to explain, justify and defend WHY NOT for the rest of eternity. You're determined to be of no value as a woman or only of value in the sense that you're first in line to work overtime. You're constantly threatened with "dying alone" as if anyone ever didn't die alone.
Not to mention that you feel your career growth is held hostage based on the outcome of your choice...no pressure.
Neither of these "options" are satisfactory to me. This is a false duality; it is a lie. We do not NEED to lend credence to in any of these terrible things happening as an outcome of our choices.
It is good to remember are both fully alone — and fully surrounded by our human family — at all times.
We are not REALLY split between one thing and another. We are whole. We will always be whole.
I hope this served you today.
Here's my Save the Darlings prog - from here on out it's "detail work" which can sometimes not really be that fun to watch, but it's where all the magic happens.
Catch you on the flippie flop,
Cathy