🥶 Iced out

How to break into the inner circle at work.

I’m freezing today. I can’t get warm.

I have socks, slippers, leggings, a long hooded sweatshirt, and a blanket, AND I just ran my hair dryer over myself, and just, no dice, I’m still freaking freezing. What the heck?

My building’s already flipped the switch from heat to A/C so my wall unit can’t give me any warmth right now.

I was thinking about how sometimes you can feel like this at a job, too.

Not in the literal sense, although offices that are too cold are most definitely a thing.

In the sense that you can feel out of the loop, an outsider, no way to get “warm” in the inner circle of valued employees.

Maybe it’s hard to get a status with your boss, and when you do, you get the sense that they aren’t really paying attention.

Maybe you see other people easily laughing and sharing jokes with the department head and when you try to say something funny, no one seems to hear you.

Maybe you mention an idea in a meeting, no one responds, and two minutes later someone else proposes exactly the same idea and everyone loves it..

If you’re anything like me...constantly socializing or being the loudest voice in the meeting might not be your thing. But you still might feel a lot of pressure to be a social butterfly because that's what seems to be working for these other folks.

The thing is, you actually DON’T have to be an extrovert to get into the "inner circle." It likely doesn't have much to do with how social you are.

When we're talking about it being included at work, it has MORE to do with the perceived value-add you are bringing to the team, to the meeting, to the org.

People tend to be the most motivated include you when they feel you are critical to keeping things going smoothly...and when they feel you are easy to work with to get to that finish line.

And that's also a MUCH better reason to get invited to a meeting than being besties with the department head.

So let go of that pressure to make lunch plans with everyone at the office. Instead, think about what you want, and what you can bring to the next meeting to create value around that thing...is it some research you did in your spare time? Some previous experience doing it? Get in the habit of bringing something of value to each meeting you're in (or each chat interaction you have).

I think you will find that your level of meaningful inclusion will start increasing as a result.*

-Cathy

*P.S. Of course, there are other reasons that you might not be getting included that have nothing to do with the value you are adding, instead have more to do with bias. In those case, it can be good to evaluate if this is a job situation you want to continue to be in. However, before you get to the point of quitting, I'd give what I mentioned a try, to see if things improve.

P.P.S. Visualizing yourself handling a situation that causes you anxiety can be a really effective way of getting to the point of comfort with that situation. I have this "drawing" meditation that I created to help with that.