B**chy Retorts for B**chy B**ches
Snappy responses to help you gain the upper hand when you are in an antagonistic conversation at work.
It's not that uncommon (unfortunately) to find yourself in a conversation where you're talking to a single person, or a group, and there's someone who's kind of dominating the conversation and trying to make you feel like sh*t on purpose. So I wanted to give you some "locked and loaded" responses for this kind of thing.
Not to mislead you, but mostly these aren't "b*tchy" — these are designed to diffuse tension (while making you look like a leader) and remind people that there might be a higher and/or more adult version of themselves that they'd like to be in this situation.
I actually wrote this a while ago after a stressful conversation with one of my child's teachers prompted me to remember that the tools I use during a regular work meeting for this kind of thing work just as well for any other conversation.
So without further ado, here we go!
1. "Can we stop for a second and establish the big picture?" (Pausing can be helpful to get everyone to reset.)
2. "Will someone be distilling notes after this call? Can we record it to keep a record of decisions made?" (ppl behave better b/c they are being recorded, and if you do this at the beginning of the call before anyone gets hot under the collar, there is a better chance they will agree to it. But, at least get notes.)
3. "I'd like to take the opportunity to pull back and discussing what our expectations of this call are. "(Get people to state the goal of the call so we can have a north star to stick to.)
4. "When you say things like _____ , it makes me think ____." (Separates what they said from you presuming their intention, helpful for de-escalation, it makes you look like a peacemaker.)
5. "Ok great — thanks for that feedback. Let's move on to discussing [what can be done about the thing.]" (You insert a conversational transition to get them off the tirade, and it makes you look proactive.)
6. "I'd appreciate it if you could frame your statement in a way that conveys both your concern and the approach you are taking to address it." (the polite way to say I'm not here to be mercilessly blamed by you for the problem you're supposed to be responsible for fixing.)
7. "How does this [vent/frustration I'm hearing] relate to [the meeting goals/project in question]?" (Politely starting to call out their inappropriate behavior and lack of focus.)
8. "I'm expecting leadership from you in this area." (The polite way of saying stop acting like a f*cking 5 year old having a tantrum 😀)
9. "Can you write me a blurb detailing the issue you're talking about and your concerns?" (Gives them a next step that they have to pause to do before they can resume yelling about the thing they are yelling about, also makes them feel listened to which might calm them down.)
10. "What kind of solution do *I* think would help...Hmm I'm not sure. What do YOU suggest?" [If they are coming at you aggressively expecting you to fix something that's not your job to fix]
11. "I really want us to make meaningful progress, but I don't think this is the most productive method of proceeding."
12. "So here's the thing - if we approach this thinking there's no chance of success, then we'll 100% not succeed. Can we flip this, please?"
13. "I don't believe we've investigated all options - and I'm expecting leadership from you as an expert in your discipline to suggest solutions, rather than repeating the same complaint several times while throwing up your hands in resignation."
14. "What you are asking of me sounds like something I was expecting *you* to be owning. Should we pull back and re-establish who is responsible and accountable for which pieces of the project?" (Actually, establishing responsibilities is an amazing thing to do in a cross-collaborative environment to avoid friction, I'll write more on that later.)
Generally:
DON'T make threats (like, "I'm gonna tell your boss!"). Making threats can make you seem either unhinged or childish.
You want to frame yourself as the authority - as the person they need to report to and improve behavior for - and if you defer everything to your boss or their boss, you're saying, I can't make you behave but this other person can. What happens is they then suck up to your boss (and treat you even worse).
However, just because we don't threaten to tell their boss (or our boss) does not mean we don't do that in order to game plan our response. We just don't THREATEN to. Do you get the distinction I'm making?
Good luck out there!
-Cathy